daumb ass

because i am a computer retard ( that is ok to say because i am actually very very SLOW when it comes to the electronic world), i am not so clear on how to respond to the fabulous people who write me comments.......... that, and yeah, i'm a super snob

ha!

p.s. i also don't know how to link anything or put pictures in or make this generally a fun place to come visit........but on the other hand, if all goes well, the Grotto will soon be mine.....oh yes, it will soon be mine......and that, my friends, will be a nice place to come visit........(help!)

confessions

so, i'm not proud of it ......but i really must get it off my chest......i hope you can forgive me for what i am about to tell you.....it truly is embarassing .......and somewhat demoralizing ........to think that i could do such a thing.......

the seed was planted about a month ago....but then i thought the temptation had passed forever......until sunday......

i sat on the couch "doing homework" .....and there it was........i had to have it....i couldn't help myself.....there was no stopping me ......I BOUGHT SOMETHING OFF OF TELEVISION........

i know i know.......can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

Usher (Usher)

answer me this...

the mere sight of it made her gastric juices boil...she stood there suspended with intrigue as the thick liquid goo poured out in drops...plop...plop...as the brown matter stuck to the flat surfaces around...plop...plop...as the acidic saliva spurted into her oral cavity...warning her tongue of pending disaster...if she stood there much longer she would toss her cookies...yet she could not move...she was captive...she couldn't resist...she stretched out her finger hesitantly and gently braised the side of the metal...her finger coated in the strong smelling substance...she brought it to her face...she closed her eyes to keep from hurling...she put it in her mouth...


how can a nurse be nauseated by the sight of cookie dough?

save the pebbles

i could have gone to a show.........
but instead i

• chased a sunset
• fell above the ocean
• met a sea monster
• received bling from a lone stranger
• had a reunion
• endulged in a meal fit for a princess
• curled under the sheets of another
• snuck into slumber by the lapping of waves and twinkle of stars
• awoke under a cool pink canopy

all in drunken sobriety..............what an adventure!

 

wake up call

i laughed so hard, i woke myself up........i just wish i could remember what was so funny.........

the script (the brainchild of one johanna polki)

(in troy mcclure voice)

too many phone calls ...not enough time
it's not easy being popular....i should know

hi, i'm __________________
you might recognize me from other telephone messages.......
i'm here to talk to you about a once in a lifetime (and by lifetime, i mean this evening)opportunity to watch the award winning and critically acclaimed cinematic masterpiece City of God
tonight with some of the lower mainland's most in-demand people:
roger "too cool for school" gross
mikael "no survivors" gringham
steve "i'm a computer god" grillows
and of course, yours truly

for more information please call this toll-free number: (computer automated voice kicks in)6.0.4.3.1.5.5.5.5.2.

(revert to troy mcclure)
and get ready to kiss your popularity troubles goodbye
goodbye

*******please note that names and numbers may have been changed to protect the... innocent?

dumbass among us

..........ok..........so someone offered me a cookie today............

oh?


hey kirstin....would you like a cookie?


yes! i replied


to which they offered me a box of crackers!


WHAT!


who doesn't know the difference between cookies and cracjers?


yes, carcjers

Contraband

Concealing small dogs on a ferry is no easy task (no, not mine….my cousin’s), especially with my family……on the way west we were reprimanded for having dogs on the passenger deck….the dogs and their owners were promptly banished to the car deck, even though they had those ridiculous dog carry-on bags (completely legal on planes and public transit….but apparently not ferries)

On the way back, we had the genius idea to actually put the dogs IN the carry-on bags... hilarity ensued……picture 6 adults: 4 in their 20’s and two parents of those in 20’s…… sitting on a ferry….covered in coats and bags even though the boat is a hothouse and we are quickly ripening tomatoes…….picture wincing, cringing, and ever-so-subtle neck jerking whenever ferry staff are in near proximity……imagine exuberant full-fake coughs covering the whimpering of luggage…….and the ever-popular “whine whine whimper” “whose cell phone is ringing?” “oh, I just downloaded that ring”…..yes, sly CIA (or CESIS) agents we would make…….especially when the contraband in question manages to escape and run down a hallway while we all fumble through the paraphernalia we have used to disguise the fact that there are creatures on some of our laps and proceed to look under chairs where no dogs are found……smooth indeed…..

Some of Nana’s words of wisdom

If you step in it, admit it!

Keep bending your elbows

you sure like to bend your elbow!

You kids have got the right idea…..this free love thing is the way to go
(said to me at 22 in the presence of her 82 year old daughter and 52 year old grand-daughter…who proceeded to look at each other and demand “why didn’t that fly for us?”)

I’ll be damned if I’m gonna change these carpets. I’m never gonna get much use out of them. Why should I change them for you kids? Wait till I die, then YOU can change ‘em!
(about ten years later she finally changed the carpets…and she wore out the new ones too….she lived on her own until she was 100 years old)

to one of her many loved pets…..a bird who enjoyed the simple pleasures in life:
Stop that, you silly fornicator!

Nana

in one week it will be my Nana’s (my great-grandma) 108th birthday. One week ago she passed away....today was the memorial: a family reunion

i can’t even imagine all the things she has seen: how her world has changed...she was born in the Rod and Gun, the wagon station and....at the time.....only hotel in Parksville on Vancouver Island

her parents ran the Rod and Gun....her dad brought electricity to the town. She witnessed the invention of motor cars and the hostile takeover of television....in her lifetime, people not only learned how to fly, they flew to the moon and beyond.....she has survived world wars and family feuds....she outlived two of her three children and remained the matriarch of our clan.

today, her relatives had a drink in her honour in the bar where she was born......we're here because of Nana, because of Nana we're here......

doh!

so i just read what i wrote that first day and again......i fail......

to check out my "virginal voyage".....damn i'm a loser.....try: www.whynotmyname.blogspot.ca

Disguised as a hickey

So, i was exiting the building after a long training shift……casually conversing with the lady that trained me.....trained me to hang out......with new people.......on the psych ward I was recently hired at....my first REAL health-related position....yeah!

we left the institution into the glowing night air.....it’s 11:00 p.m. ...do you know where your children are?......we were chit-chating and i was adjusting my coat collar (the red trench I haven’t really been wearing much.....a habit I mean to change).....when out of nowhere, a needle stabs me in the neck.....neither of us saw it coming.....neither of expected such a thing......neither of us could believe what had just happened.....we hung, limp marionettes, in disbelief......

I flailed my arms and threw off my coat in reaction to the assault....i spun around but my assailant was nowhere to be seen.....I grabbed my neck and then exposed it to my colleague for assessment.....she didn’t believe me until a few seconds later.....when a pinprick became visible....and the tissue began to swell

a freakin' bee had hidden in my coat collar all day....waiting patiently locked in a closet, ready to pounce.....that or i just pissed it off when i squished it against my neck....you be the judge

either way.....i have the least enjoyable hickey of all time and i currently dislike bees greatly

Version !

So i’m walking around with a pinkish red mark (good colour combo) on my neck because some B* decided to suck on it……couldn’t he have had the decency to ask if I wanted that there? ……..couldn’t he, at bare minimum, have chosen some place a little less conspicuous……..no…..there it is……in plain view……as I’m looking for jobs , putting my best face forward….in front of my worst neck…….explanations to my mom that I don’t want to make………damn!.....i hate bees……

the rookie

ok, so i'm trying this crazy blog craze.....but i seem to have trouble figuring anything out......like the fact that my first post actually occurred 04.04.04 but i couldn't figure out how to get back in......learning from my mistakes?......if not me, perhaps someone else will.......

which brings me to a topic: while wasting another day "looking for work" Oprah decided to teach me yet another invaluable lesson.....from others horrific mistakes....i.e. do not drag race or you will kill your mother and end up in prison for 4 years, do not seduce 14 year olds if you are 40 and do not fall in love with 40 year olds if you're 14.....

got that?

go in peace

k

p.s. if you want to check that virginal voyage try