Wednesday, June 16, 2004
wake up call
i laughed so hard, i woke myself up........i just wish i could remember what was so funny.........
the script (the brainchild of one johanna polki)
(in troy mcclure voice)
too many phone calls ...not enough time
it's not easy being popular....i should know
hi, i'm __________________
you might recognize me from other telephone messages.......
i'm here to talk to you about a once in a lifetime (and by lifetime, i mean this evening)opportunity to watch the award winning and critically acclaimed cinematic masterpiece City of God
tonight with some of the lower mainland's most in-demand people:
roger "too cool for school" gross
mikael "no survivors" gringham
steve "i'm a computer god" grillows
and of course, yours truly
for more information please call this toll-free number: (computer automated voice kicks in)6.0.4.3.1.5.5.5.5.2.
(revert to troy mcclure)
and get ready to kiss your popularity troubles goodbye
goodbye
*******please note that names and numbers may have been changed to protect the... innocent?
too many phone calls ...not enough time
it's not easy being popular....i should know
hi, i'm __________________
you might recognize me from other telephone messages.......
i'm here to talk to you about a once in a lifetime (and by lifetime, i mean this evening)opportunity to watch the award winning and critically acclaimed cinematic masterpiece City of God
tonight with some of the lower mainland's most in-demand people:
roger "too cool for school" gross
mikael "no survivors" gringham
steve "i'm a computer god" grillows
and of course, yours truly
for more information please call this toll-free number: (computer automated voice kicks in)6.0.4.3.1.5.5.5.5.2.
(revert to troy mcclure)
and get ready to kiss your popularity troubles goodbye
goodbye
*******please note that names and numbers may have been changed to protect the... innocent?
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
dumbass among us
..........ok..........so someone offered me a cookie today............
oh?
hey kirstin....would you like a cookie?
yes! i replied
to which they offered me a box of crackers!
WHAT!
who doesn't know the difference between cookies and cracjers?
yes, carcjers
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Contraband
Concealing small dogs on a ferry is no easy task (no, not mine….my cousin’s), especially with my family……on the way west we were reprimanded for having dogs on the passenger deck….the dogs and their owners were promptly banished to the car deck, even though they had those ridiculous dog carry-on bags (completely legal on planes and public transit….but apparently not ferries)
On the way back, we had the genius idea to actually put the dogs IN the carry-on bags... hilarity ensued……picture 6 adults: 4 in their 20’s and two parents of those in 20’s…… sitting on a ferry….covered in coats and bags even though the boat is a hothouse and we are quickly ripening tomatoes…….picture wincing, cringing, and ever-so-subtle neck jerking whenever ferry staff are in near proximity……imagine exuberant full-fake coughs covering the whimpering of luggage…….and the ever-popular “whine whine whimper” “whose cell phone is ringing?” “oh, I just downloaded that ring”…..yes, sly CIA (or CESIS) agents we would make…….especially when the contraband in question manages to escape and run down a hallway while we all fumble through the paraphernalia we have used to disguise the fact that there are creatures on some of our laps and proceed to look under chairs where no dogs are found……smooth indeed…..
On the way back, we had the genius idea to actually put the dogs IN the carry-on bags... hilarity ensued……picture 6 adults: 4 in their 20’s and two parents of those in 20’s…… sitting on a ferry….covered in coats and bags even though the boat is a hothouse and we are quickly ripening tomatoes…….picture wincing, cringing, and ever-so-subtle neck jerking whenever ferry staff are in near proximity……imagine exuberant full-fake coughs covering the whimpering of luggage…….and the ever-popular “whine whine whimper” “whose cell phone is ringing?” “oh, I just downloaded that ring”…..yes, sly CIA (or CESIS) agents we would make…….especially when the contraband in question manages to escape and run down a hallway while we all fumble through the paraphernalia we have used to disguise the fact that there are creatures on some of our laps and proceed to look under chairs where no dogs are found……smooth indeed…..
Some of Nana’s words of wisdom
If you step in it, admit it!
Keep bending your elbows
you sure like to bend your elbow!
You kids have got the right idea…..this free love thing is the way to go
(said to me at 22 in the presence of her 82 year old daughter and 52 year old grand-daughter…who proceeded to look at each other and demand “why didn’t that fly for us?”)
I’ll be damned if I’m gonna change these carpets. I’m never gonna get much use out of them. Why should I change them for you kids? Wait till I die, then YOU can change ‘em!
(about ten years later she finally changed the carpets…and she wore out the new ones too….she lived on her own until she was 100 years old)
to one of her many loved pets…..a bird who enjoyed the simple pleasures in life:
Stop that, you silly fornicator!
Keep bending your elbows
you sure like to bend your elbow!
You kids have got the right idea…..this free love thing is the way to go
(said to me at 22 in the presence of her 82 year old daughter and 52 year old grand-daughter…who proceeded to look at each other and demand “why didn’t that fly for us?”)
I’ll be damned if I’m gonna change these carpets. I’m never gonna get much use out of them. Why should I change them for you kids? Wait till I die, then YOU can change ‘em!
(about ten years later she finally changed the carpets…and she wore out the new ones too….she lived on her own until she was 100 years old)
to one of her many loved pets…..a bird who enjoyed the simple pleasures in life:
Stop that, you silly fornicator!
Nana
in one week it will be my Nana’s (my great-grandma) 108th birthday. One week ago she passed away....today was the memorial: a family reunion
i can’t even imagine all the things she has seen: how her world has changed...she was born in the Rod and Gun, the wagon station and....at the time.....only hotel in Parksville on Vancouver Island
her parents ran the Rod and Gun....her dad brought electricity to the town. She witnessed the invention of motor cars and the hostile takeover of television....in her lifetime, people not only learned how to fly, they flew to the moon and beyond.....she has survived world wars and family feuds....she outlived two of her three children and remained the matriarch of our clan.
today, her relatives had a drink in her honour in the bar where she was born......we're here because of Nana, because of Nana we're here......
i can’t even imagine all the things she has seen: how her world has changed...she was born in the Rod and Gun, the wagon station and....at the time.....only hotel in Parksville on Vancouver Island
her parents ran the Rod and Gun....her dad brought electricity to the town. She witnessed the invention of motor cars and the hostile takeover of television....in her lifetime, people not only learned how to fly, they flew to the moon and beyond.....she has survived world wars and family feuds....she outlived two of her three children and remained the matriarch of our clan.
today, her relatives had a drink in her honour in the bar where she was born......we're here because of Nana, because of Nana we're here......
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